Discovering the batterer

ALANA WHEELER

Dear AFETT,

A few months ago, I started seeing a nice guy who has showered me with a lot of attention, affection, gifts and all the things my parents couldn’t afford to give me.

I am 23 years old and he is 24 years older than me. I feel so safe and protected when I am with him.

But lately, I noticed that he has temper flares and he gets a bit aggressive, overly demanding of my time and threatens to take away the cellphone he bought for me because I am always messaging people. He tells me he loves me a lot and wants me to himself – that’s why he gets jealous when I spend time with my friends and family. He started criticising and putting me down, saying I am crazy and stupid.

What should I do to fix this relationship and correct my mistakes?

Dear reader,

My first piece of advice to you is: RUN!

Run as far away as you can from this relationship. You can’t fix him, he has to fix himself.

The globally recognised day for the elimination of violence against women is commemorated annually on November 25.

That date is significant because it also marks the beginning of 16 days of activism against gender-based violence (GBV), ending on December 10.

You may immediately say, “He didn’t hit me, so how is that abuse?”

But it is important to understand that abuse isn’t only physical and violence need not leave a visual scar.

As part of AFETT’s 16 Days of Activism campaign this year, we hosted an online seminar, Discovering the Batterer, facilitated by Dr Clarence Greene, an advocate and researcher who has delved into the psyche of men to paint a clear picture about the mentality of the abuser.

Here are some salient points that were revealed in our Discovering the Batterer session.

Power and control

Batterers engage in power plays between themselves and the vulnerable partner or relative, who is seen as the weaker/ less worthy one.

In some relationships, this includes friendships, parent/child, boss/subordinate, teacher/student and romantic partners.

There are power plays where one person seeks to take power and control over the other person.

This power dynamic usually starts in very subtle ways, where the batterer aims to dominate and control what you do, when you do it and who you spend time with.

Often, because of their own insecurities, the batterer seeks to belittle and insult you to make themselves feel good.

The batterer can be male or female, adult or child, because there is also abuse of the elderly by their children and relatives.

Isolation

The batterer is usually a very loving and affectionate person who initially gives you all the attention and love you need, intending to become your only go-to person, the only one you can trust and rely upon. The batterer seeks to isolate and separate you from your usual support network of friends, family and even church.

Your partner thinks he/she is helping you by taking control of your life, believes you are his/her property and that he/she needs to take control in every way – and beats you into submission and obedience.

Love bombing

The abuser will give the impression that no one can love you like they do. They will convince you that their violent actions are a direct result of their affection and that it is your fault that you got them this angry and caused them to punish you.

God made us to love and be loved by others. So it is perfectly normal for you to crave the love and attention that your partner is showing you, especially when he/she is meeting a need in your life. We all desire to have a good life and to enjoy the good things that life has to offer to us, but we are to be wary of compromising our standards to settle for less than who God made us to be.

The theme for this year’s campaign is Time to Act Now. I encourage you to take back your dignity and self-worth. Love God and love you.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are the apple of God’s eye. You need God and he needs our love, affection and attention, the same need that the batterer purports to fill in your life.

Dear reader, you are worthy to be loved by a man who is willing to provide, protect and fulfil your rights.

You deserve healthy love. I encourage you to seek spiritual guidance, counsel and reach out to the ones who truly care for you.

This article was submitted by the Association of Female Executives of TT (AFETT).

AFETT is a non-profit organisation formed in 2002 with the goal of bringing together professional women and engaging in networking opportunities, training and business development.

Ask AFETT is brought to you by the Research and Public Advocacy team and addresses issues and concerns of executive and entrepreneurial professionals.

 

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